Own Your Story, Own Your Power: On Becoming
How a radical reframe of my story is setting me free to be me— and to do a better job loving others.
Dear friends,
(Photo by Bundo Kim on Unsplash)
Thank you for your grace and patience with me as I navigate living, studying, and writing, or, in other words, piecing together “how to work out my faith.”
As I stated at the end of my last letter, in this next series of newsletters, I’d like to do a deep dive into the why behind my belief in communities of faith, or “churches,” but before I do that, I’d like to share with you my becoming-who-I-am-now, which I hope is a journey that will never end.
At the beginning of last week, I wrote a letter to my church to ask it to sponsor my ordination into the Disciples of Christ denomination. In it, I cracked open my heart and shared a bit about what I hoped to do with my ordination and “why”—
I remember the first day, a few years back, when I looked at my spouse and said, “I want to be a pastor.” After that, and for the next several years, including my entry into Brite Divinity School, I have had so many “take-backs.” The best way I can explain this is, I know deep down I am supposed to be a pastor, but I’ve had a myriad of Moses-moments, where I tell the Holy Spirit all the reasons why I’m not good enough, capable enough, or worthy enough.
Saying the words, “I want to be a pastor,” has shaken me, friends. It’s shaken me, because deeply embedded in my psyche I’ve had certain statements which’ve played over and over again: “God says women aren’t supposed to be pastors,” and, even deeper, “You’re not very smart,” followed by, “When women try to interpret the scriptures, their point of view is inherently warped because they’re too emotional.”
Beneath that I have some wounds— how many times was my childhood voice silenced when I spoke out or when I was too loud or angry or bossy! Indeed, as I grew up, I learned to put on a persona that was submissive and kind (though my angry side would show up when someone violated my or someone else’s boundaries, and it was always jarring).
(Photo by Tom Jur on Unsplash)
You know what’s so crazy ‘bout all of this? In living as a submissive, kind woman (who’s only stated goal was to support my husband in fulfilling his vocation), I wasn’t living out my truth! Because, in truth, I am an empathetic person who also has opinions and will step in to stand up for the people I love with a vengeance.
Something I am only starting to realize is that when I was living into the internal narrative that said I needed to make myself small and silence my voice in order to be “worthy,” I was also adopting the identity of a victim. This is interesting, because in reality, I was also…
An adult, Have you ever thought about the power you hold simply because you are an adult? Juxtapose your life with that of a child’s, for instance. Children are beholden to adults for food and shelter and transportation, and the legal system does not always support their best interests.
And,
A white, middle class woman. There is nothing wrong with being white and middle class. However, refusing to acknowledge the privileges I have (and benefit from) because of the society I live in, which was built by “whiteness,” and the systems by which it runs, which have been built to support, uphold, uplift and enrich people whom it deems white and to keep out anyone whom it deems non-white, is a problem. And do you know, denying my privilege and the ways “whiteness” benefits me feeds into this story that I am a “victim.”
If this brings up questions for you, check out this amazing documentary, which does an excellent job of explaining the history and implications of “whiteness” in our society:
In the way I am using the term here, being a “victim” means considering yourself to be powerless when really you are not. Before I continue, let me assert that power is not inherently evil. Most of us hold some sort of power at some points in our lives. Sometimes the power is granted to us, while others it comes inherent to our job descriptions or social status. Understanding and acknowledging the power we hold is important if we are to act with integrity.
For example, if I, as a white, middle class woman, fail to acknowledge my privilige, which grants me power in society, and instead play into my “victimhood” or even victimize myself, I miss out on an opportunity to use my power and privilege for good. Though it’s not how it should be, my voice carries more weight in certain spaces; because of that, if I see someone being victimized, hurt, abused, or oppressed, I can leverage my power on their behalf. But this starts by my acknowledging my power in the first place.
To return to my tale of becoming, I now realize that the story I’d become used to telling about myself was that I was “just a woman,” that I “wasn’t really smart,” that I “wasn’t deep enough, capable enough, leader-y enough,” and that my voice, when I chose to speak up, held no weight. How could that story contend with the growing sense I had that I wanted to be a pastor?
(Photo by Melyna Valle on Unsplash)
One day as I was pondering this conundrum and reflecting on the realities I experienced in my church home, I realized that the job/vocation I was aspiring to wasn’t actually about “being something.” No, it was about acknowledging my gifts and the power I held, and then using those things to become a wounded healer, a story-weaver, an empower-er, a community builder, a wear-your-heart-on-your-sleeves-lover-of-all, and a brave warrior who fights for the God-justice that is here but not yet and always to come.
For one of my classes this semester, I had to create a genogram, which is like a family tree that also can help you identify family patterns and traits which have influenced who you are. I was surprised to discover the sheer quantity of pastors/vocational ministry folks in the last three generations of my family (it numbered two dozen, give or take). Now, when it comes to the pastors, these folks have all been men, so I am breaking the mold in that regard. But maybe this particular set of skills I have comes from somewhere after all, and isn’t something I just attained “out of the blue,” or made up.
Perhaps it is time for me to shake off that story I’ve been playing into which says I’m a victim who doesn’t have what it takes and adopt a new one in order to leverage my skills and my privilege for the greater good.
Martin Luther King Jr. once said, “Power properly understood is nothing but the ability to achieve purpose. It is the strength required to bring about social, political, and economic change.”
(Photo by visuals on Unsplash)
So here I am, acknowledging and owning all of me. My knees are a little wobbly, my speaking voice is rusty and unvarnished. I’m pretty sure I know why that statement in Philippians 2:2 says to “work out your faith with fear and trembling,” because that’s exactly how I feel. Even writing this little post is scary for me. Will I read it in a year and say, “Why did I say that?” Will I shudder at it, and be like, “Gosh, the rose-colored glasses!” But it wouldn’t be faith if I never had to just say, “I don’t know,” and let it go, would it?
So I’m sitting here now, finishing up, procrastinating, looking back at this rough sketch of a poem I jotted down in 2021, cringing, but also nodding my head— “I stand here on this mountain top, naked and unashamed. You called and I answered. You spoke, and I knew. I’m Moses. And I don’t know what to do…. But here I am. I came when you called. Now what?”
Oh, and Galileo said yes to my sponsorship request.
Now what?
Friends, I’ve been pretty raw tonight. Hold my story gingerly and with grace, please.
Thanks,
Carissa
(PS- this post was inspired and informed by what I am learning from my friends and colleagues at Brite Divinity School and Galileo Church)
Yes, Yes, Yes Carissa!! Continue to live in Micah 6:8 and “do justice, love mercy and walk humbly with your God.” We acknowledge that Jesus himself sent out Mary Magdalene as the first to proclaim the Gospel of the Resurrection. He could have instructed her to run and bring back Peter.....or another male disciple to receive this instruction. Instead, Jesus chose a woman and in-trusted her with this historical proclamation...
And, in the same manner, He has chosen you!!😘